I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
