remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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