do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
