Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
