I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
