I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
