My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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