Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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