Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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