It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
