just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
