U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
