Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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