fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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