between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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