They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
