I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
