The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sorry about my life...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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