and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
