2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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