dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
