I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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