he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize