can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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