i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
