If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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