It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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