My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize