Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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