Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
