OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
My cat gives me a boner
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
