So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
