her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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