my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize