vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize