I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
