So drunk, too bad you don't want this
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
