TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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