Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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