Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
