When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
