So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
