she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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