Swine flu. Run for my life!
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
