I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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