The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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