'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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