My first STD was from a foam party
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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