Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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