I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
MIDGETS
????
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
