she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
