wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
