go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
