I have demons in me.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
