If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
