Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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