Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
